“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.”
I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I guess I’m writing you letters because I’m afraid that I will drive you away by actually talking to you. I mess up most friendships I have with guys because I become attached. Not necessarily sexually attached but emotionally. I care too much and I want people to care the same way about me as I do about them. But most people just don’t need me the way I need them.
Honestly, I’m kind of surprised you’ve stuck around for as long as you have. I’ve talked to you about this and you insist that you don’t get annoyed by me or frustrated but I just worry that eventually our friendship will be too much work. I’m not exactly easy to be friends with (apparently).
Or maybe I’m too picky. The people I want to be friends with are generally jerks who could care less about pretty much anyone. Is that the problem? But then I have to ask myself if you’re a jerk. I mean I want to be friends with you and if every guy I’ve wanted to be friends with in the past is a jerk does that mean you are too? Sounds retarded but that’s how my mind works.
The bottom line is that I need you. But needing people makes me a little bit uneasy. I’ve been dependent on guys before and I hate how it makes me feel. I just hate needing someone to make me happy. I told you I was attached and wanted to stop talking and cut off contact altogether but you wouldn’t let me. I’m unsure as to why not. When I’m scared I run away. Every time I’ve ever been attached the person leaves, so I guess I wanted to save myself some pain and leave before I was left. I don’t see you as the type who would pick up on that so I’m not sure why you insist on keeping me in your life.
I don’t think you need me as much as I need you. I don’t think you get quite as much out of our friendship as I do. So what gives? Why do you want to stay in touch with me? What about me is so great? How do I know you don’t sit around, 2000 miles from me, telling your friends how crazy I am? I just want to be secure and confident that when you tell me you love me, you mean it.